Father: NONE NAMED
What I remember about October 4, 1996
2:53am
Upon the Breaking of the Waters: If this child is going to inconvenience us by arriving two weeks early, I'm going to at least sleep through the rest of the night. Darn straight.
7:00am
"Guess what, Ross?"
"What?"
"We're going to have a baby today."
"No way! That's terrible! We're not ready! We don't have the tub! I have to make some calls."
9:00am
Drop E off at pre-school, where Teacher Linda regales us with tales of horror and blood for fifteen mintues (i.e., three contractions). I would have died if I hadn't been in the hospital! The word "died" is used repeatedly. Badly done, Teacher Linda. Badly done.
1:00pm
Birthing pool is finally inflated and filled with tepid water.
2:04pm
Baby!
2:23pm
Oh! What a lovely placenta! Such a beautiful, healthy placenta! You'll want to save this, so you can bury it under a special tree.
What I do not remember about that day: signing or filling out any kind of paperwork whatsoever.
US - Canadian Border, shortly after September 11, 2001
Woman in a Bullet-Proof Vest:
"Ma'am. Who is the father of these children?"
"My husband...?"
"You're married to him?"
"I hope so."
~hostile stare~
"Where is the father of these children?"
"He is at home."
"Why didn't he come with you?"
"He has to work this weekend."
Bullet-Proof Vest to E:
"Son. Where is your daddy?"
E, in a brave big-boy voice that comes out like a whisper: "He's at home."
"Speak up son. I can't hear you."
E puffs up his wee chest and whisper-bellows: "He's at home!"
"Was your daddy in your house when you woke up this morning?"
"I think so. Sometimes he goes outside to take out the garbage."
"Did you have breakfast with your daddy this morning?"
"Of course!"
"Where does your daddy live? Does he live at your house?"
E shoots me a look that says, Is this woman for real?
"Yes? Because.... He's my daddy!"
Meanwhile, I am holding S, who has such a grip on me that I am able to move my arms freely, but his legs around my diaphragm are making my breathing difficult.
Bullet-Proof Vest, pointing to S:
"Is this your brother?"
"Yes. He's almost five."
[S in my arms gives me a death squeeze.]
"I wouldn't know that, because your mommy forgot to bring your papers."
Bullet-Proof Vest to me:
"Where is the paperwork for these children?"
"I... We were never asked for it before. I...."
"Where is the paperwork for these children?"
"I left the papers at home...."
"Where is the paperwork for these children?"
"I..."
"Where is the paperwork for these children? In your house. Exactly."
"In our office."
"Where in your office?"
"In... our desk...."
"Did you see the paperwork there? Do you know for sure that the paperwork is in the desk?"
"No. I'm assuming it is there. That is where we typically keep it."
"Is your husband at home right now?"
"I believe he would be...?"
"Does your husband have access to a fax machine?"
:: light bulb ::
"Oh! Yes. Yes, he does."
"Here is what you need to do, ma'am. Call your husband and see if he can fax us your paperwork. If I get the paperwork in time, you may enter the country. If you cannot get the paperwork, you will have to turn around, and this incident will be on your record. Permanently."
Five calls later at the pay phone, I reach the neighbor, who runs over to the house to fetch Ross, who has not been picking up the ringing phone.
"We're having a problem getting through the border. I need you to fax the paperwork for the boys, including a signed permission slip to let them leave the country with me."
"Was that you calling?"
"Yes. I need the paperwork for the boys. They won't let us in."
"To Canada? What?"
"Problem. Border. Need papers."
Please insert another ~ one. dollars. AND fifty. three. cents. ~ to continue this call.
"More coins, honey, more coins!"
"I've got it, Mommy!"
Ross:
"What?"
"Please. Please fax the boys' paperwork. Please."
"I can try."
Your call will expire in ~ thirty. seconds. ~ Please insert another ~ seventy. five. cents. ~ to continue this call.
"More coins!"
"Okay, Mommy!"
"No. Don't try. Do it. Please. This woman is in a bullet-proof vest! Please fax the papers! Please!"
This call has been disconnected.
An hour later, Bullet-Proof Vest:
"Ma'am. I only see one birth certificate here."
"I don't know that we ever got a birth certificate for S. My husband sent other identification, though, yes?"
"Why wouldn't you have a birth certificate for your child? Did you lose it?"
"Well, no. He was born at home."
"On purpose? Or, don't you have hospitals in the United States?"
"On purpose, yes."
"Why wouldn't you get a birth certificate?"
"I don't know. I was a little distracted at the time; I just don't remember."
~hostile stare~
"Well, we've never been asked to show one until now. It's never come up."
"He's almost five. It's never come up? Don't you send children to school in the United States, either?"
"Are you saying that the identification that we provided will not be sufficient?"
"It is sufficient. You may enter the country. But I advise you, ma'am, to obtain a birth certificate as soon as you return to the States."
"Yes. Yes, of course."
In the car, entering Canada
"We made it boys!"
"That lady was mean!"
"I thought she was going to put Mommy in jail! I was not going to let go! I held on tight!"
Several Months Later
Forms filled out and submitted, with a check for $18. Birth certificate arrives, all information is correct, except for "FATHER: NONE NAMED."
On the phone with the Center for Health Statistics
"Ma'am, you should be able to get a corrected birth certificate at the hospital if you contact them within a year of the birth."
"Well. We missed that window. And, he was born at home."
"Oh. Well, how long ago was this child born?"
"He's five."
"Oh! You only just now noticed?"
"Well, no. We only just now ordered the birth certificate."
"Ah. Well, maybe it's not a mistake. Were you married to the father at the time of the birth?"
"Yes! Yes, I was married to the father! I've been married to the father for eleven long, hard years! Yes, I was married!"
"Oh. Ma'am. You're funny! I don't talk to too many funny people in my day, and you're funny."
"Can I get a birth certificate for my child? A corrected birth certificate?"
"Yes. You need to go pick up a Paternity Affidavit. Then you will need to submit that with your marriage certificate."
"I can't get the form online?"
"No ma'am. You'll have to go get it."
Five Years Later, Grandma's Visit, 2006
"You're not going to believe this, but S doesn't have a proper birth certificate."
"Nicole. What! You're telling me you have the child's placenta in the freezer, but you do not have a birth certificate?"
"Correct."
"He is ten years old!"
"I know. But I only just now found the marriage certificate...."
"Nicole! Did I raise you in a barn!?"
"That's why we're adding a trip to the Health Services Office to the list."
"Okay." ~ heavy sigh ~ "I'll put it on the list, honey."
Paternity Affidavit:
If you were married to a man at the time of the child's birth, but the father of the child is not the man to whom you were married, check here.
If you were not married at the time of the birth, and you are now married to a man who is not the father of the child, check here.
If you were not married at the time of the child's birth and are currently married to the father of the child, check here.
If you have no idea who the hell the father of your child is because you are a whore, check here.
Six Months Later
Big Envelope from Center of Health Statistics arrives, containing:
Returned check for $37
Paternity Affidavit marked "error corrected, fees have changed"
And no birth certificate.
May, 2011
"You know, we're going to need to get a birth certificate for S so we can get him a passport."
"He has a birth certificate."
"But it doesn't have your name on it. Remember? NONE NAMED?"
"Yes, it does."
"What?"
"You told me to get him a birth certificate ages ago, and I did."
"And you didn't think to mention it?"
"No need."
"Ah. Okay, then."
"You're welcome."
2:53am
Upon the Breaking of the Waters: If this child is going to inconvenience us by arriving two weeks early, I'm going to at least sleep through the rest of the night. Darn straight.
7:00am
"Guess what, Ross?"
"What?"
"We're going to have a baby today."
"No way! That's terrible! We're not ready! We don't have the tub! I have to make some calls."
9:00am
Drop E off at pre-school, where Teacher Linda regales us with tales of horror and blood for fifteen mintues (i.e., three contractions). I would have died if I hadn't been in the hospital! The word "died" is used repeatedly. Badly done, Teacher Linda. Badly done.
1:00pm
Birthing pool is finally inflated and filled with tepid water.
2:04pm
Baby!
2:23pm
Oh! What a lovely placenta! Such a beautiful, healthy placenta! You'll want to save this, so you can bury it under a special tree.
What I do not remember about that day: signing or filling out any kind of paperwork whatsoever.
US - Canadian Border, shortly after September 11, 2001
Woman in a Bullet-Proof Vest:
"Ma'am. Who is the father of these children?"
"My husband...?"
"You're married to him?"
"I hope so."
~hostile stare~
"Where is the father of these children?"
"He is at home."
"Why didn't he come with you?"
"He has to work this weekend."
Bullet-Proof Vest to E:
"Son. Where is your daddy?"
E, in a brave big-boy voice that comes out like a whisper: "He's at home."
"Speak up son. I can't hear you."
E puffs up his wee chest and whisper-bellows: "He's at home!"
"Was your daddy in your house when you woke up this morning?"
"I think so. Sometimes he goes outside to take out the garbage."
"Did you have breakfast with your daddy this morning?"
"Of course!"
"Where does your daddy live? Does he live at your house?"
E shoots me a look that says, Is this woman for real?
"Yes? Because.... He's my daddy!"
Meanwhile, I am holding S, who has such a grip on me that I am able to move my arms freely, but his legs around my diaphragm are making my breathing difficult.
Bullet-Proof Vest, pointing to S:
"Is this your brother?"
"Yes. He's almost five."
[S in my arms gives me a death squeeze.]
"I wouldn't know that, because your mommy forgot to bring your papers."
Bullet-Proof Vest to me:
"Where is the paperwork for these children?"
"I... We were never asked for it before. I...."
"Where is the paperwork for these children?"
"I left the papers at home...."
"Where is the paperwork for these children?"
"I..."
"Where is the paperwork for these children? In your house. Exactly."
"In our office."
"Where in your office?"
"In... our desk...."
"Did you see the paperwork there? Do you know for sure that the paperwork is in the desk?"
"No. I'm assuming it is there. That is where we typically keep it."
"Is your husband at home right now?"
"I believe he would be...?"
"Does your husband have access to a fax machine?"
:: light bulb ::
"Oh! Yes. Yes, he does."
"Here is what you need to do, ma'am. Call your husband and see if he can fax us your paperwork. If I get the paperwork in time, you may enter the country. If you cannot get the paperwork, you will have to turn around, and this incident will be on your record. Permanently."
Five calls later at the pay phone, I reach the neighbor, who runs over to the house to fetch Ross, who has not been picking up the ringing phone.
"We're having a problem getting through the border. I need you to fax the paperwork for the boys, including a signed permission slip to let them leave the country with me."
"Was that you calling?"
"Yes. I need the paperwork for the boys. They won't let us in."
"To Canada? What?"
"Problem. Border. Need papers."
Please insert another ~ one. dollars. AND fifty. three. cents. ~ to continue this call.
"More coins, honey, more coins!"
"I've got it, Mommy!"
Ross:
"What?"
"Please. Please fax the boys' paperwork. Please."
"I can try."
Your call will expire in ~ thirty. seconds. ~ Please insert another ~ seventy. five. cents. ~ to continue this call.
"More coins!"
"Okay, Mommy!"
"No. Don't try. Do it. Please. This woman is in a bullet-proof vest! Please fax the papers! Please!"
This call has been disconnected.
An hour later, Bullet-Proof Vest:
"Ma'am. I only see one birth certificate here."
"I don't know that we ever got a birth certificate for S. My husband sent other identification, though, yes?"
"Why wouldn't you have a birth certificate for your child? Did you lose it?"
"Well, no. He was born at home."
"On purpose? Or, don't you have hospitals in the United States?"
"On purpose, yes."
"Why wouldn't you get a birth certificate?"
"I don't know. I was a little distracted at the time; I just don't remember."
~hostile stare~
"Well, we've never been asked to show one until now. It's never come up."
"He's almost five. It's never come up? Don't you send children to school in the United States, either?"
"Are you saying that the identification that we provided will not be sufficient?"
"It is sufficient. You may enter the country. But I advise you, ma'am, to obtain a birth certificate as soon as you return to the States."
"Yes. Yes, of course."
In the car, entering Canada
"We made it boys!"
"That lady was mean!"
"I thought she was going to put Mommy in jail! I was not going to let go! I held on tight!"
Several Months Later
Forms filled out and submitted, with a check for $18. Birth certificate arrives, all information is correct, except for "FATHER: NONE NAMED."
On the phone with the Center for Health Statistics
"Ma'am, you should be able to get a corrected birth certificate at the hospital if you contact them within a year of the birth."
"Well. We missed that window. And, he was born at home."
"Oh. Well, how long ago was this child born?"
"He's five."
"Oh! You only just now noticed?"
"Well, no. We only just now ordered the birth certificate."
"Ah. Well, maybe it's not a mistake. Were you married to the father at the time of the birth?"
"Yes! Yes, I was married to the father! I've been married to the father for eleven long, hard years! Yes, I was married!"
"Oh. Ma'am. You're funny! I don't talk to too many funny people in my day, and you're funny."
"Can I get a birth certificate for my child? A corrected birth certificate?"
"Yes. You need to go pick up a Paternity Affidavit. Then you will need to submit that with your marriage certificate."
"I can't get the form online?"
"No ma'am. You'll have to go get it."
Five Years Later, Grandma's Visit, 2006
"You're not going to believe this, but S doesn't have a proper birth certificate."
"Nicole. What! You're telling me you have the child's placenta in the freezer, but you do not have a birth certificate?"
"Correct."
"He is ten years old!"
"I know. But I only just now found the marriage certificate...."
"Nicole! Did I raise you in a barn!?"
"That's why we're adding a trip to the Health Services Office to the list."
"Okay." ~ heavy sigh ~ "I'll put it on the list, honey."
Paternity Affidavit:
If you were married to a man at the time of the child's birth, but the father of the child is not the man to whom you were married, check here.
If you were not married at the time of the birth, and you are now married to a man who is not the father of the child, check here.
If you were not married at the time of the child's birth and are currently married to the father of the child, check here.
If you have no idea who the hell the father of your child is because you are a whore, check here.
Six Months Later
Big Envelope from Center of Health Statistics arrives, containing:
Returned check for $37
Paternity Affidavit marked "error corrected, fees have changed"
And no birth certificate.
May, 2011
"You know, we're going to need to get a birth certificate for S so we can get him a passport."
"He has a birth certificate."
"But it doesn't have your name on it. Remember? NONE NAMED?"
"Yes, it does."
"What?"
"You told me to get him a birth certificate ages ago, and I did."
"And you didn't think to mention it?"
"No need."
"Ah. Okay, then."
"You're welcome."
Well, see there, I guess husbands and ex-husbands are good for SOMETHING after all! ;)
ReplyDeleteTranslation:
ReplyDeleteMy son is a dad, biologically speaking, but is not fathering or paying child support for his beautiful 4YO daughter because of some unknown pissy reason. Just like his own father didn't pay any child support EVER. So I am very mad at men today. I almost told my son on the phone today, "Well, I'd say Happy Father's Day, but since you are being a narcissistic @$$hole and renouncing your privileges and duties, I'll say, 'YOU FREAKING KNOW BETTER!'" I showed a great deal of self control by not saying that, didn't I?!